Introduction
Love, in its purest form, is an act of extraordinary courage. It asks us to embrace vulnerability, to expose the tenderest parts of ourselves to the possibility of both connection and pain. Yet for many, the scars of returned hurt make love’s risk feel insurmountable. How do we continue to love when love itself becomes the source of wounding?
Human relationships are shaped by this tension—our longing for connection is met by an equally powerful fear of rejection or betrayal. Emily Esfahani Smith’s work on meaning-making highlights that love is central to finding purpose in life, even when it requires facing profound vulnerability.¹ Love’s risks, though painful, are also the moments when individuals feel most alive, tethered to something greater than themselves.²
What the evidence shows?
Quantitative research further validates this dynamic. A longitudinal study by Fincham and Beach found that forgiveness in relationships significantly improved long-term relational satisfaction, even in cases of betrayal.³ Similarly, a meta-analysis by Karremans et al. revealed that forgiving partners reported reduced stress and greater emotional resilience, underlining how forgiveness benefits both the giver and the relationship.⁴ These studies underscore that vulnerability, while risky, fosters deeper connection and resilience when combined with forgiveness and reconciliation. As Paul writes, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you” (Colossians 3:13).
What about culture?
Culture plays a significant role in shaping attitudes toward vulnerability and love. In collectivist societies, like those in East Asia, love is often seen as a communal responsibility, where vulnerability is more readily embraced as part of mutual interdependence.⁵ Conversely, in individualistic cultures, like those in the West, vulnerability is often resisted due to its association with perceived weakness.⁶ This cultural lens influences how people approach love’s risks: whether they prioritise preserving relationships or protecting individual autonomy. Addressing these dynamics can help people consider how cultural values impact their perceptions of love and boundaries. The Bible reminds us that love transcends cultural boundaries and requires humility and selflessness: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others” (Philippians 2:3-4).
Weighing in from God’s Word
Scripture illuminates the universal paradox of love. In Romans 5:8, Paul writes that “God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” God’s love for humanity was fully given despite the foreknowledge of rejection, mockery, and even crucifixion. In taking this ultimate risk, God not only revealed the depths of divine love but also modelled a path for human love—a love that chooses to persist even when returned with hurt.⁷
From a theological perspective, this persistence is not rooted in naivety but in divine strength. To love amidst pain is to reflect the sacrificial nature of Christ, who endured the cross for the joy set before Him (Hebrews 12:2).⁸ It is a love that acknowledges its vulnerability but chooses faith over fear, trusting that God will redeem even the most painful wounds.
Yet, this view is not universally held. Research by Linda J. Waite on the long-term effects of betrayal suggests that some forms of hurt, particularly in intimate relationships, create psychological and social challenges that take years to repair.⁹ When love leads to recurring wounds, setting boundaries and seeking healing are necessary acts of self-preservation.¹⁰ Similarly, relational sociologists such as Pierpaolo Donati argue that love must be cultivated within systems of reciprocity and justice, without which it becomes destructive.¹¹
Philosophical approaches add yet another dimension. Iris Murdoch, for instance, argues that true love requires seeing others clearly, without projecting our desires or fears onto them.¹² This capacity for clarity is crucial when navigating relationships where love has been returned with hurt. Murdoch suggests that loving wisely means holding onto compassion while refusing to perpetuate harm.
The vulnerability of loving despite hurt is a universal struggle. Whether in parental relationships, friendships, or romantic partnerships, the temptation to withdraw, self-protect, or retaliate is ever-present. Love in these contexts may feel like a diminishing resource, eroded by repeated pain. And yet, love is most transformative when it persists. Viktor Frankl’s work reminds us that love gives life meaning, even in suffering.¹³ Similarly, Rollo May posits that love is an act of will—an ongoing choice to invest in others, even when uncertainty or pain is involved.¹⁴
Modern psychological perspectives also offer insight. Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion suggests that the ability to process and forgive oneself is critical in navigating relationships marked by hurt.¹⁵ Susan Forward, in her analysis of toxic relationships, notes that healthy love requires learning when to let go to avoid perpetuating cycles of harm.¹⁶ While modern psychological perspectives offer valuable tools for navigating hurt, they ultimately highlight the profound challenge of loving amid rejection and pain. Forgiving oneself and setting boundaries, as Neff and Forward suggest, are essential steps toward healing, but they do not fully address the deeper question of how to continue loving others when wounds run deep. For this, we look to the ultimate example of love in Jesus Christ. His life and sacrifice reveal a love that endured the deepest rejection yet chose to persist, offering us a model of grace that transforms both the giver and the receiver.
Conclusion
Jesus’ love was wounded most deeply through rejection. As John writes, “He came to His own, and His own people did not receive Him” (John 1:11).¹⁷ This rejection culminated at the cross, where the very ones He came to save mocked Him and chose a murderer over their Messiah (Matthew 27:20-23). Yet, even in His anguish, Jesus chose to love. His words, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34), exemplify a love that persists despite betrayal and pain. Dietrich Bonhoeffer captures this truth, stating, “In Jesus Christ, we are offered the purest form of love, one that bears our guilt and endures rejection to reconcile us with God.”¹⁸ This divine example of enduring love teaches us not only the depths of God’s grace but also equips us to love others through our own wounds. When we draw from Christ’s well of love, we are empowered to forgive, persist, and transform pain into healing.
Practical Application:
1. Discern Patterns of Hurt: Reflect on whether the hurt in a relationship is the result of human imperfection or a pattern of harm. Pray for wisdom and guidance in navigating the difference.
2. Seek Support: Engage with trusted friends, counselors, or spiritual mentors to process hurt and discern whether continuing to love is healthy and redemptive in a given situation.
3. Balance Vulnerability with Boundaries: Learn to love wisely by maintaining boundaries that protect your mental, emotional, and spiritual health.
4. Meditate on God’s Love: Let the example of Christ’s love shape your perspective, especially when the risk of love feels overwhelming.
Prayer:
Lord,
Your love endured the greatest rejection, and yet You chose to love us fully and sacrificially. Teach me to follow Your example when love feels risky or when wounds from past rejection make it hard to trust. Give me the strength to love with wisdom and courage, balancing vulnerability with discernment. Help me forgive as You forgave, letting go of resentment while maintaining healthy boundaries. May Your grace fill the broken places in my heart and transform my pain into healing. Show me how to draw from Your well of love so that I can love others, even through my wounds. Use my love to reflect Your light and bring hope to a hurting world.
In your Mighty name King Jesus,
Amen.
References:
1. Emily Esfahani Smith, The Power of Meaning (New York: Crown, 2017).
2. Susan David, Emotional Agility (New York: Avery, 2016).
3. Frank Fincham and Steven R.H. Beach, “Forgiveness and Marital Quality: Precursor or Consequence in Well-Functioning Relationships?” Journal of Positive Psychology 1, no. 3 (2006): 156–162.
4. Johan Karremans et al., “Forgiveness and Psychological Well-Being: A Meta-Analysis,” Journal of Counseling Psychology 50, no. 1 (2003): 44–57.
5. Hazel Rose Markus and Shinobu Kitayama, “Culture and the Self: Implications for Cognition, Emotion, and Motivation,” Psychological Review 98, no. 2 (1991): 224–253.
6. Geert Hofstede, Culture’s Consequences: International Differences in Work-Related Values (Beverly Hills: SAGE, 1984).
7. The Holy Bible, Romans 5:8.
8. The Holy Bible, Hebrews 12:2.
9. Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage (New York: Broadway Books, 2000).
10. Alexandra Katehakis, Erotic Intelligence (Deerfield Beach: Health Communications, 2010).
11. Pierpaolo Donati, Relational Sociology (New York: Routledge, 2011).
12. Iris Murdoch, The Sovereignty of Good (New York: Routledge, 2001).
13. Viktor E. Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning (Boston: Beacon Press, 2006).
14. Rollo May, Love and Will (New York: Norton, 1969).
15. Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion (New York: William Morrow, 2011).
16. Susan Forward, Toxic Parents (New York: Bantam Books, 2002).
17. The Holy Bible, John 1:11; Matthew 27:20-23; Luke 23:34.
18. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, The Cost of Discipleship (New York: Touchstone, 1995).
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