Shamefully, I must admit, pre-Christian, I got to a point where people had hurt me so much, myself included that I took revenge. In my mind I believed the con, “Standing up for myself.” As important as it is to not be a doormat, there is a difference between standing our ground and a revenge mentality.
Genesis 27 has a powerful example of revenge mentality that we can learn from. The backdrop sees Isaac blessing Jacob who pretends to be Esau, after Jacob has gotten Esau to give up his birthright.
Interestingly, Jacob is the introverted brother, the twin of Esau the more alpha male. It is entirely possible that Jacob envied his brother’s raw masculinity. As a softer man myself, I can relate to Jacob. I hated myself for not being considered a burly dude. This low self-esteem was birthed in a society where types of men were considered ideal. In fact, in my childhood household I was often beaten up as I wasn’t “tough” enough. My insecurities around my masculinity saw me find “escape” in all sorts of dumb ideas trying to man-up in all the wrong ways.
Fortunately, God is amazing, and as I have walked with Jesus, He has turned my revenge-mentality that was mostly geared towards self-harm, and shown me that masculinity has less to do with brawn as much as it has to do with character, discipline, and purpose.
Let’s take a look at Genesis 27.
So why do we like revenge? The answer is- our brain gets a dopamine high from aggression and revenge.
The problem is that holding onto revenge starts to affect us negatively. In a twist of fate, revenge only hurts us more in the end. But, revenge also destroys the world around us, because revenge begets revenge.
Jesus tells us, Matthew 26 vs 52, after Peter cuts the soldiers ear off trying to protect Jesus from being, innocently, arrested, ‘“Put your sword back in its place,” Jesus said to him, “for all who draw the sword will die by the sword.”’
“An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.” — Mahatma Gandhi
‘Psychology Today’ offers some great insights into the devastation revenge causes.
- Revenge Is Primitive, Barbarous, and Savage – significantly subverts your own humanity in the process.
- The Material, Psychological, and Spiritual Costs of Revenge Can Be Devastating- “It’ll destroy things inside of you that the original pain wouldn’t have harmed.” — Laurell K. Hamilton.
- Wreaking Revenge on Another Is Either Corrupt or Corrupting- It degrades the one pursuing revenge. Fighting evil with commensurate evil.
- Calculating and Carrying Out Revenge Is Foolish, Self-Defeating, and Even Stupid- “Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.” — Confucius
- Revenge Accomplishes Nothing: It’s Both Fruitless and Futile- “Disappointment is the end of revenge; the drops of blood in the blade, the painful tears in the cheek, and the hollowness in the heart.” — M. F. – https://www.psychologytoday.com/za/blog/evolution-of-the-self/201401/five-biggest-problems-with-revenge-and-their-best-remedies?amp
A magnificent quote from Spurgeon, draws our attention to turning away from self, and doing God’s Will. God tells us that He will avenge, and who better because God’s Will is for ALL people to repent and be saved, so He knows what to do to turn bad into good, and how to protect His Children from those who simply will not repent. Spurgeon is remarking on the discipline of Abraham’s servant Eliezer who was tasked with finding Isaac a wife, but in matters of revenge, this lesson from Spurgeon reminds us to put God’s Will above our own. In matters of revenge, if we act upon it, we too ‘ceases to be a true-hearted minister’.
SO WHAT CAN WE DO TO DEAL WITH REVENGE FEELINGS?
‘Faith Radio’ offers these Biblical methods-
To quote, ‘If you find yourself wanting revenge, these biblical prescriptions may help curb that urge.
- Be slow to speak and to become angry. (James 1:19). Since revenge is fueled by anger and hate, don’t allow yourself to hold on to those feelings should they surface. Uncontrolled anger is dangerous. So, consider what helps you manage your anger.
- Examine your heart. What do you desire? (Prov 14:17). Rather than simply react in the moment, stop and think. Ask yourself, what is motivating me to want revenge? Assess the motive of your heart. Take a cool down period to reconsider your actions.
- Observe your feelings. Acknowledge the feeling and then let it go. Practice calming techniques. (Prov. 16:32) (Prov. 29:11) Acknowledge the feeling. Okay, you are very angry. Things were not handled well. Anger is not a sin, but what we do anger can lead to sin. Venting anger will increase it. So, notice it and release it to the Lord. Cast your cares on Him.
- Don’t allow your anger to escalate. (Prov. 19:19). When our anger gets hotter and hotter, we lose objectivity and don’t make good decisions. Basically, the part of our brain responsible for thinking clearly goes off line. This is why staying calm is so important. It allows the thinking part of your brain not to be hijacked by the feeling part of the brain.
- Surround yourself with people who exercise self-control.(Prov. 22:24). The people around you have influence. If you are constantly being encouraged to take revenge, act out and incite violence, you might do something you regret. Instead, surround yourself with those who know the Word and will encourage forgiveness and letting go of offense.’
‘The Conflict Expert’ offers us further advice.
To quote, ‘As always, start with yourself. Acknowledge your emotions. You can do that by writing them down, crying, screaming, meditating on them or just talking to a friend or counselor about them.
Once you have done that, here are some more ways to turn revenge into forgiveness:
- Get some distance from the conflict. It may take some time for strong emotions to calm enough to talk through conflict resolution. A mediator is trained to help you do that but if you don’t want to take that step yet, approach the other person when you are calm enough to behave at least with politeness and respect. If you find yourself in that struggling with that, here are some ways to manage your anger.
- Understand that revenge is not a constructive conflict resolution. Machiavelli would disagree and for practical reasons, advise you to kill your enemies so that they don’t pose any further problems to you. However, it’s 2019 and you are probably not a psychotic killer! Revenge and trauma are similar in that they are both passed onto others, sometimes for generations. In that sense, it extends the cycle of conflict rather than putting it to rest.
- Realise that carrying anger and seeking revenge consumes your energy and your time. It can stop you from living your life in an expansive, liberated way and instead, it focuses your attention on punishing others. That emotional response spills out into other areas of your life and often clouds your decision making.
- Know that you have a choice. You can either continue to blame others for the conflict or you can take responsibility for your own role in it (no matter how minor) and move on. I am not suggesting that you blame yourself for acts of neglect or abuse you have suffered at the hands of others. It is, however, your responsibility to review your own response to it in the present moment and to be realistic about how it is affecting your life. Are you choosing to continue the conflict or are you wiling to come to terms with what has happened and find a way forward for your own benefit?
- Use empathy and honesty to help ease yourself away from the need for revenge. Yes, you have suffered, and it is essential to give yourself the understanding and space to respect that. You could also extend that to the other person when you are ready to. Are you able to understand the conflict from their perspective? Could pain and suffering have led them to behave as they have done towards you?
- Ask yourself, is it worth it? How is this conflict affecting the people that you love including yourself? Will revenge hurt them more? Will your relationships suffer and if so, how will this affect you? These are the kind of conflict considerations you should think about before and during any conflict.
FURTHER READING- https://www.wikihow.com/Overcome-Deep-Seated-Desires-for-Revenge#:~:text=Go%20for%20coffee%20or%20a,instead%20of%20stressed%20or%20angry.&text=Let%20time%20pass.,revenge%20will%20become%20less%20intense.
PRAYER:
Father God, Please help me to get to the roots of my revenge-mentality, helping me to turn them over to You as You heal me, and help me not responding to revenge feelings and being a contributor to the dysfunction in our world. In Your Holy Name King Jesus. Amen.
#Hayibo 